Cyber Girl/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Almost had a little domestic situation a few minutes ago. See, I wanted to wash one of my vehicles, but my wife seemed to feel that washing the dishes was a better use of my available time and talent. It really wasn't much of an argument, because I gave in right away. That's actually an old trick that every high mileage married man knows. But the beauty of the solution is thanks to this power washer and a mesh laundry bag, I can actually wash the car and the dishes at the same time. [ cheers and applause ] thanks very much. Appreciate it. Well, this weekend it's the big possum lake marsh gas festival. I'll tell you the parade and the dinner and the dance are kind of boring, but the fireworks can blow the roof off -- at least they did last year. Uncle red! Uncle red! Uncle red! You know what? Guess what! Guess what! What?! I met a girl! Wow! First the mars sighting, now this. I've asked her to accompany me to the marsh gas blowout. Well, what does she look? I mean, what's her -- how did you fool her? I met her on the internet. I don't know a lot about her, but I know she's very pretty, and she's a very fast typist. Oh! And get this. She just lives up near port asbestos. Oh, harold, she's got the money, huh? Harold, there's somebody here to see you. [ hysterical laugh ] girl. Girl. Girl! Can you talk to her for a minute, please, because I have to go make myself look good. We don't have that kinda time, harold. All right, dalton, let her in. [ dalton chuckling ] man, oh, man. C'mon in. Good luck. Yeah, thanks, dalton. Hello. Hello, harold. Pardon me? You're even handsomer than your picture. Harold! Okay, I'm all set. Hello. Hello. Who's she? Who's he? Right, I know what's happened here. Harold, did you put a picture of me on your web page? Ha! Ha -- yes. And did you put a picture of somebody else on your web page? Mmm -- yes! I-I-I used my niece's picture. All right, here's what we gotta do... We gotta get your niece together with harold -- the real harold, not this harold. And that'll solve the problem. What'll you and I do? Well, you'll go home, and I'll pray my wife is not surfin' the internet. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is a coupon for a free stray animal and wall clock from the possum lake flea and tick market. Okay, cover your ears there, mike. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, mike, this is something that keeps you in a jail cell. Crummy lawyers. No, okay, but crummy or not, the lawyers all passed the... Buck. Okay, okay, if you know a woman dancer, she practises her leg exercises with one of these. Oh, fire pole. Okay, no. Okay, okay. A person who mixes drinks all night tends... To get a hangover. No, okay. Okay. Um, this is the greatest surprise you'll get in a hotel room, it has a mini... Skirt. Uh, almost outta time, red. Yeah, okay, okay. Okay, mike, if somebody wanted to make something more difficult, they raise the... Bail. $10,000 for a b&e. Which I didn't do. Only I forgot to wipe my prints off the crowbar. There we go! Today on talking animals, local animal control officer, ed frid, is going to tell us all about scorpions. Not scorpions, red, deadly scorpions. Giant scorpions! Giant, deadly, desert, deadly scorpions. They're big and they're deadly and they kill you. Okay, ed, I think we're gettin' that. Uh, but scorpions aren't native to this part of the country, are they? If they were, would I live here? All right. Okay, good. Um, I understand scorpions are quite clean creatures. Oh, good for them. Uh, yeah, oh -- so, um, what do scorpions eat, ed? Each other. And, uh, termites, you know, little termites. So you drop termites in there? Yeah. Well, ed, this is a wooden box. It's a wooden -- a wooden -- a wooden -- ahhhh! We're all gonna die! Harold! You know, usually when a guy comes up to me and says, "you're the most creative handyman I've ever seen, "how do you come up with all the great ideas?" I give 'em my stock answer... Step away from the vehicle. But this time on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how you can come up with an endless list of creative projects, because when you've been married as long as I have, you're pretty much out of ideas. So I'm actually going to convert these old bikes into a machine that will generate project ideas, using only the laws of random chance. And if you don't believe you can make something by accident, just ask harold's parents. Now, what you wanna do is replace the front wheels with back wheels. That way you can run all four tires from the one set of pedals. Sadly, this is the closest most of us will ever get to owning an all-wheel-drive vehicle. The important thing is to pick wheels with different sized sprockets on 'em. That's what gives you the random results. It's kinda like buying a gift for your wife. You pay your money; you take your chances. Okay, once we get the chain all on there, our bike wheels are ready to become our wheels of fortune. And to do that, we need something thick and sticky that everybody has in their home... No, not pat sajak. Now, on the first wheel, I put all the days of the coming week when I might wanna busy myself with a project. Bernice's mother is in town, so I'm goin' with all seven. Next, I went through the garage, lookin' at all the different colours of paint I had in the half-empty paint tins, margarine tubs and sample bottles. Then I wrote down the names of all those colours and mounted them on my second wheel. Okay, on this one I wrote all the raw material I found lying around my yard and the yards of my neighbours who aren't home. Oh, by the way. I find if you write down two or more pieces of junk on each strip of tape, it really increases the challenge level. And finally on the fourth wheel, I wrote down the names of a few things that needed doing, fixing, improving around the house. I got them from a list my wife had given me. I couldn't get all of her suggestions on there. Oh, and I almost forgot. On each hub, I've taped a pointer. This is how we read the results from each wheel. Put them all together, and what you have is the handyman's random project planner. Let's give this baby a spin. Okay, let's see what we got here. On Tuesday, I'm going to build a yellow, shag-carpeted birdfeeder out of a milk crate; and on Wednesday I'm installing purple kevlar storm shutters into the tool shed; and on Thursday, it's a turquoise spice rack made from hockey sticks and a garden hose. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out a way to wax my car, using scuba flippers and a bunch of old ketchup packets. [ applause ] remember, when you make enough deposits, it's time for a withdrawal. She's incredible! She's awesome! She's fantastic! It's like she's made for me or something, you know? She even knows what I'm thinkin'. She even finishes my -- your sentences? Yeah! And no one does that. No. Does she have a name at all, harold? Bonnie. Is that short for something? Yeah, bonneville. Probably conceived in a pontiac. Well, I asked her to the marsh gas blowout. You'll never believe what she said to me. Leave out the swear words, harold. She said yes! She said yes! She said yes! [ applause ] I'm going with a girl to a dance. I still got problems. Would you relax? Would you please just settle down, because I got problems. I told her I'd pick her up at 7 o'clock, but I don't have a car or a driver's license. Well, that's not a problem. I mean, your bicycle has a crossbar, right? Yes, but no, c'mon, drive us, please. Please just drive us to the possum dance. Please. Please. Please. In the possum van? After you've said those hurtful things to us for so many years? Yes. Well, okay, harold, but there's only two seats. You're gonna have to sit on the engine. Oh, no problem. Ever since puberty, I feel like I've been sitting on the engine. [ applause ] red: We went out behind the lodge there because walter had a little photo thing set up, and we wanted to -- it looks like he started at 20 bucks, and he's down to -- so I said, how's business? He's got no sense of humour, you know, so I thought, well, all right. So I got a loonie out there and okay, take our pictures. But he says, no, these are novelty pictures. You gotta put costumes on. Aw, come on. He says, you can be like a soldier or a marching guy or a football -- you know. And then dalton doesn't wanna. I said, come on. Give the guy a break. Get in there. Get in there. It's gonna be a nice costume of some kind. So he didn't have a lot of selection on the costumes. I got the kind of an airline captain thing. But I think winston was the real winner. And he didn't wanna take the picture right there. He wanted to go over to another field. I guess the light was better or something. So we go across the street. So what he's sayin' is, if you can't see the camera, the camera can't see you. So winston was the one having the real problem there, so he's sort of jumping up and -- meanwhile, bill was hunting rabbit, and, uh, -- thought he spotted the mother lode. Well, that's not funny. Bill, bill, come on! What are you doing? That's not a rabbit, bill. It's not a rabbit. Hi, bill. I -- it -- oh. Bill, it's not a rabbit. Stop shooting. Bill, stop it. Bill, no! Okay, great, yeah. No, bill, bill, bill. It's winston. It's winston in a rabbit suit. And he's not in the best mood ever. So then we figure, well, let's get bill to join us for the group photo. We have one more costume. We think it'd be a perfect costume for bill. So we get him all -- and I think he's lookin' pretty spectacular, don't you? So now we're all set. But this is takin' so darned long that walter says he's losin' light. He needs to get some kind of a flash unit for the camera. He's got an older camera, so it's got the older style of flash. You know, they've got the magnesium flash powder on there. So he puts that into the tray. Meanwhile, he's left us a little too long in the sun, and tempers are startin' to flare a little bit. So walter comes out to sort that out. And winston figures, you know, it'd be kinda funny to put a little more flash powder into the tray. So he goes back and things are settling down. So you know, dalton goes back, and dalton's figuring, you know what would be funny? If I put a little more flash powder into the tray. And then dalton comes back to join. Now we're all set, but then wouldn't you know it, bill slips off. And bill's thinkin', yeah, you guessed it. The whole jar. Okay, so then bill gets back into the -- why don't you skip? There you go. And now we're all set. Probably some of you amateur photographers have always wondered what it'd be like if you used way too much flash powder. Well, we're going to solve that mystery for you right now. [ applause ] let rothschild's take care of your septic system, because your waste is a terrible thing to mind. Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt the red green show so that I may bring you the following important environmental message. Greetings campers. Ranger gord here with another one of my patented... How many times have you been out on a one-horse open sleigh with a load of props from your old animated cartoon when this happens? Ah! Gord! Gord! Gord! Look! Gord! Gord! Gord! Well, I don't really have to look, litle red. I know that we are being pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves. And unless we lighten the sleigh, they're going to be all over us like cougars at closing time. Ah! Hurry up, ranger gord! They're gaining on us. Hm. I don't know. I'm going to need all this stuff. Hm. I don't know what I can spare. Ah, gee, I don't know. How about these for starters? Those? Those were my mom's, little red. Listen, boys and girls, it's never a good idea to make important decisions when you're under a lot of stress. Luckily, I earlier made a list of all the cargo in order of importance, from most to least. [ little harold and little red screaming ] so remember, kids, you don't have to outrun a wolf. Just drop something the wolf will find interesting enough to stop and smell. Little harold: Ah, uncle red, he's not going to eat me. Or simply mark as their territory. [ wolves howling and urinating ] little harold: Hey! Cut that out! [ hearty chuckle ] come on, harold. We're ready to go here. Harold: Coming! Man, I gave up waiting for harold there. He's been in the shower for seven hours. We either need a second bathroom or a closer tree. So I said the heck with it. I went up in the possum van and picked up bonnie on my own. So as soon as harold's ready, we're good to go. Oh, boy. [ applause ] okay, I'm all set. Should we go pick up bonnie? I've already done that, harold. I can certainly see what you like about her. She's out there waiting in the possum van right now. What?! Yeah. How rude is that? We have something we would like to ask you together. All right, fine. Oh, bonnie, sweetheart! Can you come in here a minute, please? You have no idea how to treat a lady, do you? This is a mistake, harold. [ applause ] so, uh, how do we look? Like a perfect couple. You're going to save a fortune on mirrors, harold. I'm pretty excited. Know why? Know why? Know why? Just had your first coffee? No! This is my first date. Um, bonnie. Uh, this is for you. Oh, harold, it's beautiful. You pin it on me. Uh, perhaps, bonnie, you would like to do it for yourself. Okay, we're good to go. What time do you want me to pick you guys up? I usually am asleep by ten. Mr. Green. Yeah? Harold and I were wondering if maybe we could drive ourselves? I've got my license. Well, I dunno. The possum van is a pretty big rig. Uncle red, bonnie is a licensed commercial truck driver. Yeah, she drives an 18-wheeler for port asbestos cartage. Well, hey, great. Hey, go for it. I almost saw up your skirt. [ talking at once ] okay? All right, you go have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. [ possum squealing ] [ applause ] well, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Harold has a girlfriend. I don't know how serious they are, but if they ever get married and have kids, it's the end of the world as we know it. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and lover boy, and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] meeting's coming to order. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Well, men, we've all heard the story that there's a man for every woman in this world and vice versa. And today we have proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I don't miss him either. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com